Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
wtf is an acronym
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
This kid will have a bright future.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”