Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
You Might Also Like
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.