The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Guys, I found it.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Mouse
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.