The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’ve had relationships like this
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages