I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott