“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Jurassic park gets weird
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.