my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox