DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.