I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake