It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why is this me 😫
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.