Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.