The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I came this close!!!!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?