Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
You Might Also Like
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Meow
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Can’t, holding a grudge
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried