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{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Does beer think about me too?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …