*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.