Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
yeet
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions