Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
o shit
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
pat pat
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.