Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
fourth time’s the charm
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend