If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
that de-escalated quickly
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?