I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
reminder
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)