Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!