Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.