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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
The future is now.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Just a friendly reminder!