I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money