Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Life cycle of cat
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.