This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
From my Mom
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet