Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.