The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.