ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.