The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.