a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
You Might Also Like
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.