The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Oh the world we live in…
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.