Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
just left a huge legacy in there
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…