When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Very good news from my accountant
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Does this dress make me look cat?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body