My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
You Might Also Like
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
we all know this pain all too well
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
the saddest jazz hands ever
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.