I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
a god among men
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.