Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.