They’re stuck in your pants?
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Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.