[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Go girl power!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company