The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.