8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!