LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
This is a sub tweet
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.