I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
#MeanwhileinCanada
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
me hitting on a model
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack