Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything