Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
hmm conte-me mais
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it