Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley