You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?