‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.