[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys