Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
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[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection